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- Used Karzai


- Hamid Karzai is declared the winner of the Afghan election after Abdullah Abdullah withdraws from the race.
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- Canadian Hackers Sabotage Colbert Nation


- Despite Canadian hackers taking down the donations link, you heroes have already raised $40,000 for the U.S. Speedskating team.
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- '09 Off-Year Semi-Presidential Electferendum


- Barack Obama loses the New Jersey and Virginia gubernatorial races, and Chris Christie uses Monty Python to attack Jon Corzine.
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- Guy-Fawkers


- Michele Bachmann one-ups the tea party protests by holding a health care reform rally on Guy Fawkes Day.
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- On Notice/Dead to Me - Canadian Iceholes


- Joey Cheek helps Stephen put Canada on notice for denying U.S. speedskaters access to the Olympic course.
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- Trouble, Coverage


- The House Democrats pass health care reform while Republicans are at home watching Wanda Sykes' new show.
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- U.S. Speedskating Team Takes Gold


- Thanks to the Colbert Nation, the U.S. Speedskating team wins the gold at the World Cup.
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- Barney Frank Is Not a Great Outdoorsman


- Just because Barney Frank authored a bill to legalize medical marijuana doesn't mean he could recognize a pot plant.
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- Current Events - Latest Police Tasings & Taser XREP


- An officer uses a Minnesota man as human jumper cables, and the Taser XREP lets you tase people from the comfort of your clock tower.
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- Grover the Hill


- America's most insidious socialist brainwashing program, "Sesame Street," celebrates its 40th anniversary and introduces Pox News.
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- Goldman Sachs Does God's Work


- Despite collecting the highest salary on Wall Street, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein never forgets he's a blue-collar guy doing God's work.
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- Miracle Whip Buys Ad Space


- Stephen is going to buy more delicious mayonnaise with the money from Miracle Whip's advertising.
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- Stephen Claims Lou Dobbs' Audience


- In punditry, like in "Highlander," there can be only one Lou Dobbs, so Stephen claims his audience after he quits CNN.
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- Obama Bows to Japanese Emperor


- President Obama brings great shame upon America by taking a deep bow to the emperor of Japan.
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- Eggo Waffles Shortage Alert


- Stephen puts America on Waff-Con Four and calls on President Obama to open the strategic waffle reserves.
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- Stephen Shakes His Moneymaker


- Stephen liquidates his investments and injects them into his ass after the Senate introduces a tax on plastic surgery.
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- Amateur Hour at the White House


- Joe Biden crashes President Obama's state dinner to get on "The Real Housewives of Delaware."
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