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- Vodka Eyeballing


- If you think metaphorical beer goggles are bad, imagine what literal vodka goggles will make you do.
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- Failure to Launch - Atlantis Crew


- Stephen asks the Atlantis crew for advice on how he can prepare himself for space.
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- Up Brit Creek


- Stephen finds the villain in the hit summer series, "Grainy Footage of Leaking Underwater Oil Pipe."
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- Japan's Special Election - Kazuo Myazaki


- Stephen endorses Disembodied Japanese Robot Mouth for Japan's next prime minister and tests Kazuo Myazaki on who he thinks will win.
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- Crude & Unusual


- The nuclear option isn't guaranteed to work and would violate international treaties, but it would turn the ocean floor into glass.
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- Who's Riding My Coattails Now? - iPad Suit Pocket


- While the Wall Street Journal was ignoring Stephen's contribution to men's fashion, he invented a new kind of pocket.
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- Who's Watching the Watchdog? - Liam McCormack


- Liam McCormack admits that Consumer Reports has never tested whether or not being electrocuted by a toaster makes you immune to electricity.
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- Oil's Well That Never Ends


- Stephen shows President Obama how to appear angry over the oil spill by ripping off his sleeves and beating up Tony Hayward.
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- Charity Begins at 11:30


- Bing offers to donate $2,500 to a charity of Stephen's choice every time he says the word "bing."
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- Obama's Whoomp! There It Is Controversy


- Hawaii needs to release Obama's official government rap certificate to prove he was not a member of the Tag Team crew.
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- Who's Watching The Watchdog? - Consumer Reports Labs


- Stephen enters the Consumer Reports secretive test lab facility and hands out his own ratings.
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- Helen Thomas's Reputation


- Helen Thomas gets the chance to be known as the cool old lady with the record for most beef consumed in an hour.
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- Shout Out - 7th EACCS


- Stephen displays the American flag that was flown by the 7th EACCS over the skies of Afghanistan.
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- BP Stock Sinks


- BP may be a soulless corporate giant that could kill all life on the East Coast, but why is its stock going down?
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- Simulated Mars Mission


- Stephen competes with Russia by placing his intern, Jay, in a state-of-the-art gym locker for 519 days.
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- America's Strained Relationship With England


- Until America re-establishes its relationship with Great Britain, English muffins will be called freedom muffins, and Brit Hume is Free Hume.
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- Smokin' Pole - The Quest For Arctic Riches


- Canada will soon become the foremost authority on caribou dung, and China purchases the world's largest icebreaker.
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- Who's Not Honoring Me Now? - Tonys & MTV Movie Awards


- "Fela!" wins at the Tonys, Rain accepts MTV's badass award, and "truthiness" gets added to the dictionary.
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- Testoster-Ruin - Hanna Rosin


- Stephen tells lesbians to stop creating good examples for our kids, microwaves his boxers and asks Hanna Rosin if men are needed anymore.
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- Obama's BP Oil Spill Speech


- Obama unites the country with his speech addressing the BP oil spill, and Stephen finds an alternative energy source in Devo's belongings.
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- Brevity Is the Soul of Twit


- Comedy Central will give a dollar to the Gulf of America Fund every time you heroes retweet Stephen's tribute to oil-soaked birds.
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- Obama's Simplified BP Oil Spill Speech


- This is how you speak about the BP oil spill in the way Americans can understand: See Spot. See Spot spread. Stop, Spot, stop.
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- South Carolina's 4th District Primary - Bob Inglis


- Bob Inglis should quit Congress and get a job at Olive Garden to convince the people of South Carolina he's not an incumbent.
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- US Ties With Slovenia


- The call to disallow the US goal against Slovenia was totally unfair, and the rest of the world agrees.
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- Fallback Position - Astronaut


- Stephen admits to Steve Lindsey that he lashes out in zero gravity, has a spastic colon and needs a lot of time alone.
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- Joe Barton's Misconstrued Misconstruction


- Joe Barton apologizes for his misconstrued misconstruction, and pundits call the BP escrow account unconstitutional.
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- Stanley McChrystal Talks To Rolling Stone


- Stanley McChrystal must have been high on Afghani heroin when he criticized the commander-in-chief in front of a Rolling Stone reporter.
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- Fallback Position - Astronaut Pt. 2


- Stephen begins his astronaut training by working in zero gravity, running on his space treadmill and test-driving moon wheels.
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- USA Board of Ophthalmological Freedom


- Stephen becomes a certified ophthalmologist, and Professor Buttons performs Lasik surgery on Jay.
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- US Defeats Algeria


- Under General Petraeus's command, America defeats its longtime deadly enemy, Algeria, at the World Cup.
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- Yahweh or No Way - The Blues Brothers & Glenn Beck


- The Vatican newspaper endorses "The Blues Brothers," and Glenn Beck plans to hold a rally on the anniversary of MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech.
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- Prophet Glenn Beck - Father Guido Sarducci


- Father Guido Sarducci told Glenn Beck his work was wildly important at the Vatican, but he thought he was talking to Jeff Beck.
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- Put the Cursed Monkey Paw Down


- Whoever has the cursed monkey paw, stop wishing you could do something to help the people in the Gulf.
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- Fallback Position - Astronaut Pt. 3


- Before Stephen can land the space shuttle, he needs to know how to fly it in five words or less.
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- Lube Job


- Planet BP reporters tell positive oil spill stories made to look like the news so we can feel better.
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- Rolling Stone Article on McChrystal - Michael Hastings


- Michael Hastings explains why he wrote the Rolling Stone article that eventually got General Stanley McChrystal fired.
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- Supreme Court Justice Sweetness


- To protect the Second Amendment, President Obama must nominate Sweetness as the next Supreme Court justice.
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- Basketcase - Stephie's Knicks Hoop-De-Doo


- Stephen asks Coach Mike D'Antoni what it takes to be a Knicks player, besides athletic ability, conditioning, youth and teamwork.
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- Basketcase - Stephie's Knicks Hoop-De-Doo Pt. 2


- Stephen needs to make one shot against Allan Houston to earn a spot on the New York Knicks team.
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- Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown - King Tut's Penis


- Thousands of years of mummification probably gave King Tut a severe case of the Shrinky Dinks.
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- Cold War Update - North Korea & Russian Spies


- North Korea demands reparations from the US, and the FBI arrests 10 Russian spies raising families in the suburbs.
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